Just a gloomy day

I think this is where I leave you,
not because I stopped caring,
not because you asked me to stay,
and not because we ran out of words.

Maybe that's what hurts the most—
we still had so much to say,
yet none of it could bring us
where we once thought we'd go.

You were never just a person I loved.
You were years of my life,
a thousand little memories,
a version of me
I don't know how to become again.

And perhaps, somewhere inside me,
I kept a door open for you
without even realizing it.

Until today.

Today, I finally closed it.

Not because I hate you.
God, I wish it were that easy.

I leave because I am tired
of finding pieces of you
in every conversation,
in every silence,
in every “how have you been?”
that never meant anything
and somehow meant everything to me.

I don't want another eight years
of almosts,
of maybe,
of talking without going anywhere,
of wondering what we are
while knowing what we aren't.

So this is goodbye.

Not the kind where I wish
you would chase me.

Not the kind where I secretly hope
you'll knock on my door
and finally say everything
I've waited years to hear.

Just goodbye.

I hope you remember me kindly.
Maybe remember the girl I was
before life changed us,
before time made us strangers
who knew each other's hearts too well.

And if someday
you wonder why I disappeared—

please know,

I didn't leave because you meant nothing to me.

I left because
you meant too much,
and I couldn't keep losing myself
just to keep a little piece of you.

So go live your life.

I'll try to live mine.

And maybe,
in another lifetime,
we'll meet before we learn
how to hurt each other.

But in this one—

I loved you.
I lost you.
I found myself.

And this time,

I'm choosing not to lose her again. 🥀

I hope my words could heal every wounds that everyone needs :)

I never asked you to stay forever.

I only wished we had known when forever had already ended.

People often ask me why I can’t move on.

The truth is…

I don’t think I ever had the chance to.

We didn’t end with a fight.

We didn’t end with a goodbye.

There was no final embrace.

No final kiss.

No last “I love you.”

We simply… stopped becoming us.

And somehow, life expected my heart to understand what no one had ever explained.

You left me with unfinished conversations.

With promises suspended somewhere between truth and regret.

With words that were never spoken.

For years, I kept wondering whether I had imagined everything.

Maybe I loved you more.

Maybe I misunderstood.

Maybe I was the fool who believed too much.

But then I remembered…

No one sends good morning texts for years by accident.

No one reads every terrible draft of a girl’s novel by accident.

No one whispers,

“My Mimi… I love you. I adore you. I miss you.”

by accident.

And no one promises,

“I’ll leave her for you.”

without planting hope in another person’s heart.

I don’t know if you lied.

Maybe you meant every word when you said it.

Maybe life changed you.

Maybe fear did.

Maybe love wasn’t enough.

I will probably never know.

And perhaps…

that is the hardest part.

Not losing you.

But losing the explanation.

Sometimes I wonder if you’ve erased me from your memory.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever miss me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was just another chapter while you became an entire book in mine.

Then I remember your answer.

“Sometimes.”

Just one word.

One period.

One lifetime of questions.

For years, I searched for a reason.

I searched in birthdays.

In destiny charts.

In memories.

In cities.

In Bali, where I first flew just to see you.

In Semarang, where you later moved without knowing I had already stopped going there after my grandmother passed away.

I searched everywhere…

except inside the only place that still needed healing.

My own heart.

Perhaps I wasn’t waiting for you.

Perhaps I was waiting for the goodbye we never had.

And maybe that’s why I wrote Keyra and Devan.

Not because I wanted to rewrite reality.

But because fiction gave me something life never did.

A chance to finish the sentence.

A chance to let two people choose each other one last time.

A chance to whisper,

“Goodbye.”

without losing the love that once existed.

Because love doesn’t become fake simply because it ends.

It becomes a memory.

A beautiful one.

A painful one.

But still…

a memory.

Today, I finally understand something.

I don’t need to prove that I mattered.

I mattered.

Whether you remember me every day…

or only sometimes.

Whether you loved me forever…

or only for a season.

What we had changed me.

It made me believe in stories.

It made me believe my words deserved to exist.

It made me become the writer I am today.

And while I was busy mourning the future we never had…

Life quietly gave me another kind of love.

The kind that runs into my arms without asking who I used to love.

The kind that calls me “Mama.”

The kind that doesn’t need promises because it already belongs to me.

For the longest time…

I thought you were my first home.

Maybe you were.

But home is not always the place where we stay forever.

Sometimes…

home is simply the place that teaches us what love feels like before life asks us to build one of our own.

So this is not a goodbye to you.

It is a goodbye…

to the woman who kept waiting for one.

I release the future we never had.

I keep the gratitude.

I keep the memories.

I keep the girl who flew to Bali just to spend one more day with the man she loved.

I keep her because she loved honestly.

And she deserves tenderness, not shame.

As for you…

I hope life has been kind.

I hope you found peace.

I hope, every once in a while, when my name crosses your mind…

you smile.

Not because you wish we had chosen differently.

But because, for a little while…

we loved each other with everything we had.

And maybe…

for this lifetime…

that was enough.

In the end,

I grew tired

of waiting

for a heart

that never chose to stay.

Too many nights

were spent

searching for reasons

why your eyes

always wandered

far beyond my embrace.

Today,

I no longer wish

to win against memory.

I only hope

your name

will someday

feel like someone

I used to know,

instead of someone
I still miss.
until I can walk

the roads we once called ours

without feeling

that I've left a part of myself behind.

If it rains tomorrow,

let every drop

wash away

the promises

we could never keep.

And if I still remember you,

let it be

as someone

who once passed through my life

never again

the place

my heart longs

to return to. 

 Kayaknya energi gw drained banget deh tiap kali ke kantor, kyk nyirep energi negatif orang-orang jadi tiap pulang kayaknya udah cape aja gt, apa karena gw udh mau masuk middle age ya wkwkwk..

Beda banget kayaknya dulu tuh gw selalu happy masuk kantor, ketemu temen-temen, kerja, gajian! Tapi in this economy paham sih tuntutan kerjaan makin banyak banget, tuntutan lay off, belom lagi drama clock in, jadi sedih deh, dulu kayaknya se hectic apa kerjaan tetep happy aja gt bawaannya, skrg kayak arrrggghh ada aja orang yg masya allah ya kak kamu zalim bgt!! 

Motong gaji tanpa sosialisasi, pdhal atasan udah acc klo kita mau telat!

Tiap pumping dicariin mulu and end up bayik umur 18 bulan gw ga minum asi lg!!

Skrg tiap mau ikutan solat jamaah aja dibilang ilang-ilangan mulu!! 

Kayak, duh! Dan dipanggilnya tuh ga penting ya, cuma perkara rolling kerjaan in the middle lo lagi hectic megang kerjaan A, belum kelar tapi lo disuruh rolling! Kan masya allah bgt ya, si bos bilang sih yaudh tp ini as is dlu aja yang skrg, tp buat lo yang udh tau lo dirolling apakah akan totalitas ngerjainnya? Tentu tidac fergusoo! 

Belum lagi liat berita yang bikin drop kayak, duh gila ya gw kerja mati2an aja megang 1 kg emas ga pernah, ini 74 kg gila bgt sih! Suram bgt, trus presidennya blg kalau emg suram cabut aja dari Indo, kayak duhhhh! Tolong negara manapun klaim gw jd warga negara lo lah wkwkwk.

Dahlah intinya lg lelahh sama org2 dzalim ini, semoga doa gw yg udh didzalimin kalian2 nembus ampe langit & di aminkan malaikat2 Allah!

In This Economy

 Lagi happyyy bgtt,  anak2 akuuu tumbuh dengan baik, penuh tawa dan Masya Allah sehat ❤️ nothing can be happier🌸lucu bbgtt yang 1 introvert kemana2pasti ngumpet ketek, yang 1 lagi extrovert, ketemu orang baru langsung akrab..

pokonya tahun ini Masya Allah bgt lagi happy, dpt berita happy dari pak suami, alhamdulilaah.. in this economy yaa, tp sumpil deh, kalau bisa cabut ke LN mending cabut gak sih, kayaknya udh migrain berat liat berita tiap harinya ada aja gebrakan anomali para pejabat negara. entah itu cuma sekedar ngomong nyenyenye atau bangun tidur saya buka horden Indonesia cerah sampe sempet bilang ke bos gw, saking susahnya kita nerbitin surat garansi dari bank, alihin aja gak sih bisnis plannya nya jadi embegehh atau koses wkwkwk, sesusah ituu bahkan untuk instansi yang bantu negara berpuluh-puluh tahun, penugasan berpuluh-puluh proyek dahlah ga ngerti lg, saya hanya emak-emak yang terkejut liat harga cabe semahal ituuu, bensin semahal itu dan emas se wow itu harganya, sementara gaji mamak-bapake masih aja imut..

Malaysia plie banget rekrut akuh jadi pendudukmuu :(

kita (bukan) untuk selamanya

Barangkali yang paling menyakitkan
bukan kehilanganmu,
melainkan menyadari
bahwa sejak awal
cinta ini tak pernah diberi tempat
untuk disebut benar.

Padahal kita telah membangun
masa depan
dari mimpi-mimpi yang terlalu percaya.

Kini aku bertanya,
adakah yang masih pantas dipertahankan
ketika harapan perlahan berubah
menjadi abu
yang bahkan angin pun
enggan mengingatnya?

Dan aku tetap di sini
menunggu sesuatu
yang mungkin
tak pernah berniat datang.

combo superrr!!!

 wah  goks sih ini feat ed sheeran my fav baby lovlyyyy  wkwkwk...

its fidayyy babyyy almost weekend, time to my baby baby dirumah asupan jalan-jalan, asupan jajan, pas banget mamak besok ga puasa, gas kali ya masa gak? wkwkkw kemana tapi yaaa vote vote vote :

• Farm house
• taman mini
• kebun raya
• mmm apa lagi yaw

hawa kantor lagi panas banget ni, entah kenapaa....